*Note the song is not the first song on the playlist anymore, but still there so you can click on it while reading along with the words*
Turn up the music volume on your computer. The song I have playing is a beautiful piece by Plumb titled In My Arms. I posted the words as far as I understand them below. I just happened to be listening and singing along to this song as I clicked onto a picture of a new mother holding her baby for the first time just moments after she was born. It was a long and challenging delivery, there's a tear running down the mother's cheek, the baby girl is perfect and beautiful, the spirit of the picture is just bursting out, and that feeling of seeing your daughter for the first time and connecting with her again just came flooding back into my heart. I bawled.
I've been thinking a lot about motherhood lately. My life is so beautiful right now, overly blessed probably, but my heart still hurts every day when I have to leave Teya. I loved so much being a full-time mamma, but now I have to divide that with full time work. I remind both Teya and myself that the reason I have to work is to take care of her, but it doesn't make her tears any easier to wipe away and her pleading to stay any easier to deny. I serve tables with little kids at work and the longing to be with my own is overwhelming. Sometimes I have to step aside to compose myself. It feels good to know work is productive and is exactly what I need to do right now, but I fear I'm missing so many moments in her life that will never happen again. She turns 3 in one month, although I'm almost convinced she should be turning 4... I just don't want to look back with regrets and wish I had more time.
Your baby blues
So full of wonder
Your curley cues
Your contageous smile
And as i watch
You start to grow up
All I can do is hold you tight
Knowing clouds will raise up
Storms will race in
But you will be safe in my arms
Rains will pour down
Waves will crash all around
But you will be safe in my arms
Story books full of fairy tales
Kings and queens and the bluest skies
My heart is torn just in knowing
You'll someday see the truth from lies
Knowing clouds will raise up
Storms will race in
But you will be safe in my arms
Rains will pour down
Waves will crash all around
But you will be safe in my arms
Castles they might crumble
Dreams may not come true
But you are never all alone
Because I will always
Always love you
Clouds will raise up
Storms will race in
But you will be safe in my arms
Rains will pour down
Waves will crash all around
But you will be safe in my arms
Every single day I fall madly in love with Teya, again and again.
Her Beauty. I'll turn a corner and just see her little face across the room and my heart jumps at how gorgeous she is and the innocence that emanates from her eyes. I'm purely entertained just observing her healthy & strong two-feet-tall perfectly formed little human self going about her day.
Her Humor. She cracks me up, and she knows it. Last night while snuggling to fall asleep, she'd been silent for 10 minutes and suddenly she says "Mom, I have a long story."
Me- "Okay honey, you want to tell it now? What is it?"
Teya- "Once upon a time... The End!! Hahahah I tricked you! That's my really really long story!"
I genuinely laughed out loud for five minutes. She joined in and we just couldn't stop. When our laughter subsided, she whispered "I love you so much mommy." I whispered it back, and then she fell asleep.
Her Intelligence. Her and I talk about the ways things are made, the geography of an area, she doesn't let me miss a day with her French flash cards, she joins in my conversations with adults adding her feelings and ideas, she memorizes songs after one listen. Yesterday she scolded me for pulling to the side of the freeway saying "We can't stop here or the policeman will get mad at us!"
Her Heart. She's a softy. I see her looking out for other little kids, worried about their happiness, doing whatever she can to make them feel good, ie finding them a toy, giving blankets, hugs & kisses, or giving away drinks & snacks. Teya was there to comfort me on many long hard lonely nights this year. She would rub my hair, whisper "Its okay mommy," sing me her favorite primary songs like "I am a Child of God," and just hug me tight until I was okay.
I wouldn't change one moment of my life. Through it all I've been engrained with the things I've learned and I've grown into a certain kind of woman. A woman I can be happy with. I am here now, with Teya, and she is the greatest joy in my life. I know she wants a complete family, someday we'll be there with the little brothers and sisters she's always talking about, but for now we're blessed to have each other. I thank our Heavenly Father for allowing me the gift of motherhood in the sweetest form, and for a daughter who makes me try so hard everyday to be somewhat worthy of being her Mom.
Ma Chere Petite Fille et Moi
*The picture I was looking at is of Stephanie and River's new baby girl... Susan, Rachel and Steph, you should look at that picture and listen to the song and see how well you manage;) Love you!
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on November 10, 2009
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